i've always wondered what people thought of me. hopefully what they see in me is alot different from what i see when i look in the mirror. i hope they don't notice that zit on my forehead, my chipped nail polish.
i see small eyes, but they are open so wide, trying to see everything, even things very obviously beyond their reach. always trying to understand everything. huge black pupils- bigger than most people's, even when it's bright out. pools of ink. the kind in ball point pens that come in packs of ten and twenty. identical, and very replaceable. desperate to be used, to make a difference. around the pupils is a thin border of blue, colorful in comparison to the deep black. eyelashes- smothered in mascara, and clenched twice into an eyelash curler. one hundred frail, vain lashes, begging to be noticed. circles under my eyes- like a before picture for some miracle beauty product. only $39.99, four dollars shipping, and your soul.
i see an ordinary nose. blank, shiny, generic. not too big, and not too small, like

people convince themselves they are fat, and ugly, and they starve themselves.
people convince themselves they are insignificant.
people convince themselves they are unwanted, to the point they take their own life.
people convince themselves they hear voices.
people convince themselves their life sucks so much that they take drugs and drink and waste away their lives.
people convince themselves they are homosexual.
not just a few people either- lots.
especially when people agree with them.


lots of people believe in God and Christianity.
what says that they don't imagine it all up?
i'm obviously not thinking some guy sits down a couple hundred years ago and is like 'let me make this all up and put it in a book'
all these things get started with something smaller. a couple extra pounds, getting ignored once or twice, a fight with a friend, a difficult situation.
you can apply that with religion, like so.

take the flood, noah's ark, all that jazz. maybe someone built a boat, and when it started flooding, he shoved some animals in it, and some people drowned?
seems pretty reasonable, no? it floods all the time. and alot of other countries have a rainy season, it rains for months at a time. and, to people back then, it would seem like the whole world was flooding. they didn't exactly have much communication. and they didn't have writing back then, either. so the story was passed through word of mouth. so its like celebrity gossip. few things got tweaked? yeah.

i went to some younglife thing today.
i will admit i definitely went only because it was 80s themed and i wanted to dress up.
and i will admit that i only half listened to the speaker.

i didn't really have such a good time. mostly cause i had a killer headache.

the guy that was talking talked about faith.
i don't have any faith.
no faith in God, or in myself, or in my parents.
i have hardly any faith in my friends.
i don't have any faith in my future.
i don't have any faith in anything.
that is a depressing thing to realize.

delanco was, uh, something. working was fun, i suppose.
i don't think i believe in God anymore though. or maybe i do. but i don't believe these speakers i hear. they all contradict each other. and themselves.
i'm sick of having God shoved in my face; its making the whole concept of God and Christianity and everything is totally lose its shine.
i don't really pray anymore. and i always would try to set a good example, and make an impact on people. but i don't really do that anymore.
but, even in light of all that, i am happier. and i don't think it is because of any thing or relationship or whatever in my life.
it is just me that makes me feel better. just my trying to rely on myself.
i don't feel like i have God to let down, anymore. and i don't feel that God can let me down now(if you know what i mean by that. i don't feel like explaining).
and i don't really worry about people letting me down. the two people that have the option of letting me down wouldn't.
so it feels good have things sort of under control, even if it is an illusion.

i still believe the core morals of the bible, and that lovely stuff.
but i don't really think that God is up there zapping people
or maybe that you go live in the clouds or in a fiery hell when you die.
i don't believe that there is a set plan for peoples lives. maybe there is a vague blueprint.
but i think people have totally their own choices.
and i don't think that God speaks to people, even through things. that is just wishful thinking.
religion is probably 75% wishful thinking.
wishful thinking sucks.